


devil may cry

by TheSilverField



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Asylum, Depression, Eren Yeager is the Only One Who Remembers, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Heavy Angst, Hospitalization, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Possible Triggering Content (Please read the tags and notes!), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reincarnation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:47:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29194779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSilverField/pseuds/TheSilverField
Summary: from one life to another, memories bleed through the veil of time and subconscious. sometimes we lose our minds along the way.*bringing this work back from the dead! i'm sorry i had this orphaned, i was tired of dealing with antis, but i'm back for good! if you need proof that this was my work, look on my tumblr! the original posts are all there!*
Relationships: Levi/Eren Yeager
Comments: 27
Kudos: 38





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This work of fiction depicts severe mental instability/disorders. There will mention, insinuation, or graphic depiction of themes such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, IED, schizophrenia, needles, forced medication, etc.. This takes place in an asylum/behavioral therapy home, so please be careful reading forward. Make sure to check the tags/notes for any more mention of additional possible triggers. Take care of yourselves. Much love <3

“Doctor, he’s doing it again.”

Grisha sighed deeply at the interruption of his paperwork, the candles on his desk still burning tall from their short time of being lit. He didn’t bother blowing them out as he stood to his feet, fixing his circular glasses better to the bridge of his nose. “What exactly is he doing, Petra? Not taking his medicine, I presume?” He asked tiredly, taking a swig of brandy to clear the gruffness in his throat.

Petra nodded somberly, her face pale like the moon, honey eyes dull from the exhaustion of her work. “Yes, sir. Not only that, but he’s refusing to eat or drink. He’s been scribbling on the walls for days, muttering about titans and someone called Captain Levi.”

Grisha sighed solemnly again, hiding his frustration behind a cool exterior. “Thank you for informing me. Why don’t you take the rest of the weekend off? We’ll be fine and you look exhausted.”

Petra smiled almost as brightly as the new engagement ring twinkling on her left finger, saying her thanks before taking her leave from the doctor’s office. Once she was in the corridor again, her purse and coat clutched under her arm, she looked back. Back down the hall towards room 330, where her patient was surely still calling for a love he had never met.

Grisha stayed in his office a moment longer, trying his best to think up some sort of a solution. He could have him force-fed, could have a few of the orderlies hold him down while he was administered a much stronger form of medication, but that all seemed so barbaric. No matter what mental or physical illness the patients were suffering, they were still people. Grisha had never been one to ever force such treatment on the mentally unstable here, but he would admit it was hard not to consider sometimes.

With one last sip of his beverage, Grisha headed down the gloomy corridors of the asylum. He offered gentle smiles to those he passed, reassuring them all with sunny eyes, hiding his sorrow and sympathy for them well. Grisha kept up the smiling mask he had been donning for years until he came upon room 330, knocking lightly before taking out his key and slipping inside.

“Eren,” he said softly, looking brokenly toward his son, who was staring out his barred window into the courtyard below. “Why aren’t you taking your medicine?”

“Shhh,” Eren whispered. “You’ll scare her away.”

Grisha stayed perfectly still so as not to disturb whatever Eren was looking at, lowering his voice when he spoke up once again. “Scare who, son?”

Eren leaned his head on the wall, making it so Grisha could see the profile of his face, the tears slipping down his sunken cheeks, sunlight reflecting off of his bright green irises. “Mom.”

The single word burnt holes through Grisha’s chest, his mind flashing images of his late wife. Suddenly, his eyes felt foggy and his knees felt weak, but Grisha pushed the images away, ignored the burning within him, and took a deep breath.

“Eren, your mother isn’t here, remember? She passed away from pneumonia when you were ten.”

Eren’s body tensed at the reminder of his mother’s death, fury flashing through him like a bolt of lightning. “Then how do you explain the hummingbird?”

The angry tone didn’t take Grisha off guard--he was well used to it by now. It only made his chest ache more, meeting Eren’s question with only silence. Instead of asking what Eren meant, he gave his son a moment to cool his own mind, waiting for him to explain himself.

Eren took a few calming breaths, just as his father had taught him before, his broad shoulders slowly relaxing. “Mom loved hummingbirds,” he began, softer now. “They were her favorite. Ever since you caged me in here, a hummingbird comes to my window every single day. It’s her, dad. And you can’t explain that away like you did with me.”

“I didn’t cage you, Eren,” Grisha said calmly, though he could feel his own frustration boiling in the pit of his stomach. “You’re in here because it’s what’s best for you and--”

“I’m not fucking crazy!” Eren shouted suddenly, cutting his father off as he finally spun around to face him. There were fresh tears making their way down his cheeks, but they were tears of anger now. “You’re the one who made me this way! I just want to find him! You have to let me out of here so I can find Levi!”

Grisha lost his temper almost as quickly as Eren had, running a hand through his combed hair. “You’re delusional, Eren. There are and were no titans. Captain Levi doesn’t exist. It’s all in your head, which is exactly why you’re here.”

“I am not!” Eren snarled, bulling up at Grisha with his fists clenched tight, practically spitting every word. “Don’t give me that shit! I know what I remember! You’re just trying to keep me locked up here!”

“You think this is what your mother and I wanted for you?!” Grisha shouted back, the last of his composure withering to dust. “This is the last place on earth I would want you to be! I’m not keeping you locked away in an insane asylum to hurt you! I don’t want to lose my son too! Not after your mother, and certainly not to some nightmarish fantasy! I’m trying to help you!”

Eren was ready to snap back with something harsh, but his anger extinguished as quickly as it had lit aflame. “You’re not going to lose me, dad.”

“You’re right. I’m not going to lose you,” Grisha sighed as he turned back to the door, ignoring the scribbled writings of a madman on its surface and on the wall around it. “Because it seems I already have. Take your medicine, or we’ll have to resort to force, Eren.”

“Dad, please--”

But Grisha was gone, locking the door before making his way back to his office where his mask finally cracked into fragments, his tears streaming through the broken facade.


	2. monster v. angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a little bit of heaven. a little bit of hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work of fiction depicts severe mental instability/disorders. There will mention, insinuation, or graphic depiction of themes such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, IED, schizophrenia, needles, forced medication, etc.. This takes place in an asylum/behavioral therapy home, so please be careful reading forward. Make sure to check the tags/notes for any more mention of additional possible triggers. Take care of yourselves. Much love <3

For Eren, dreams held no light, and sleep was bottomless; stretching far past the moonlit horizons of his mind. Sometimes, his dreams were just flashes, a film roll clicking past memories or storms of thunderous white noise that woke him in a sweaty panic. Other times, he wasn’t so lucky.

His mother would come to him first, walking through the shadows of a home long destroyed. She would hold him and kiss his face, the room alight with her loving smile as she softly sang lullabies. Eren would point at a hummingbird flitting in the kitchen window, but before his mother could take notice, the peaceful dream would melt away and the true nightmare would begin.

The sky turned an angry red, the air hanging thick with terror and the smell of death. If Eren wasn’t so preoccupied with trying to save his mother from their collapsed home, he would hear his neighbors screaming for help, begging for mercy, then silence as their lives were cut short.

Footsteps pounded the crumbling earth, getting closer to them with every second they had left. When Eren looked up, horror struck him on the chest, taking his breath away as he stared at the monster looming over them. Unfeeling black eyes, a wide menacing grin; Eren would never forget that face.

As many times as Eren had had this dream, he could never possibly begin to get used to it. It only grew more painful every time he was taken away from his mother, watching as she was plucked from the rubble and devoured by the smiling titan.

Eren woke up gasping, his face bathed in his own tears as he came back to this realm of reality, back to his cage. After the deafening sounds overwhelming his nightmares, the silence of early morning was a well-acquainted friend, always visiting before the rest of the asylum came alive.

Although Eren didn’t quite think of this place as alive.

Fate was a cruel thing, his bloodline just as unfortunate in this life as it was in the one prior. No matter what, Eren always seemed to be a prisoner, trapped by walls he wasn’t permitted to leave. Outcasted, ridiculed, his future ripped from his hands before he could even grasp it.

It happened before when his father bred him to become a monster, the so-called hope of humanity. Eren hadn’t been allowed a choice. He didn’t get to have a say in the way he lived or died. He hated to admit it now, but Eren could finally see that he was only a pawn in a much bigger game. A slave to someone else’s will. Maybe his father’s, or his brother’s. Or maybe it was his own ideals that held him captive. 

It was their fault he lost everything. The respect and trust of his regiment, the love of his friends, and Levi. The path laid out before him was a river of blood. What else could he do but swim?

Eren was snapped out of his regretful thoughts when he heard a knock on the door, turning his attention to Petra peeking in with a soft smile.

“Good morning, Eren,” she chirped, stepping in and closing the door behind her with her hip. She was carrying in Eren’s breakfast tray, the same food it was every morning; scrambled eggs, a glass of orange juice, and two little blue pills. “I snuck you in a packet of ketchup for your eggs. Don’t rat me out.”

Eren smiled graciously at her consideration, but he tried to ignore the lingering tendrils of regret when looking her in the eyes. “Morning. Thank you, but I’m not hungry.”

Petra set the tray down on Eren’s bedside table anyway and took a seat on the foot of the bed, taking out a small pad and pen for notes. “You had the really bad nightmare again?”

Eren cringed at the reminder and nodded, glancing out the nearby window. “Yeah, I did. It’s still exactly the same. I’m still reliving the titans destroying my home and killing my mother. It all feels so real.”

Petra wrote something down and looked back up at Eren with caring eyes, her voice even softer and kinder than before. Even in this life, she was still the nicest person to ever walk the earth. “I understand how scary and painful it must be to see all of that, Eren. But you just have to remember, even though it feels real, it’s not. Titans aren’t real.”

Eren turned back toward his nurse with haunting eyes, his face slack of emotion. “Not anymore.”

Petra cleared her throat and tried again to smile. “Right. I’ll be back at 1:30 with Mike to bring you to the showers, then we’ll make it to therapy for 2:15. Sound like a good plan?”

Eren sighed tiredly as Petra stood back to her feet. “Sounds like the same plan as always. Thanks again for the food.”

“You can thank me by eating it,” she retorted, patting Eren’s shoulder in reassurance. “Please.”

“We’ll see,” he quipped, not making any promises 

“Eren,” Petra bit her lip, looking down at the floor sadly. “If you don’t eat, you can’t take your medicine. Not only that, but you’ve lost nearly eight pounds since your check-up last week. If you won’t do it for you--”

Eren snapped, his oceanic eyes burning with a sudden onset of fiery rage. “I said we’ll see! If I want to fucking eat, I’ll do it! If I don’t, then I fucking won’t! Run and tell my dad again all you want, it doesn’t change a goddamn thing!”

Petra’s hand jerked away at Eren’s outburst. She’d worked here for months, but she still found it hard to get used to Eren’s mood swings. His fury was like a natural disaster, taking out anything and everything in his path, no matter who it was. 

She in no way blamed Eren for his behavior; it wasn’t something he could help. Intermittent Explosive Disorder made people a ticking time bomb--sometimes physically violent, always destructive. But Eren was such a strange case.

More than half the time, Eren was laid back and reclusive. He hated interacting with other patients, speaking with his therapist, or doing anything that didn’t take place in his room. However, when he was placed in group activities or sitting in a more public area, he was polite to those who braved approaching him.

The only times he lost his temper--at least with Petra--was when she pressed him about eating and taking his medicine, or when his father was mentioned. For months she had started fostering a bond with him by talking about other things, leaving her boss out of their conversations entirely. But lately, with Eren’s rapidly worsening physical and mental conditions, Petra had become more vocal about the touchy subjects, meaning more tantrums.

With all this in mind, Petra nodded and spoke to Eren in a way that was still soothing. “I’m sorry, Eren. I shouldn’t push you so hard. I’m just worried about you.”

Petra watched as Eren’s heaving breaths turned deep as he shut his eyes to calm himself. “No, I… I’m sorry. I don’t mean to…”

“I know,” she said quickly, inching closer toward the door. “Like I said, I’ll be back at 1:30.”

Eren nodded somberly, turning his gaze back to the window so that Petra couldn’t see the tears of regret burning his eyes. “Okay. Thanks.”

Petra smiled softly, slipping back out the door and locking it with a click. She walked down a side corridor that was more secluded than all the others, pressing her back against the wall as she pulled out her phone and dialed her fiance’s number.

It rang twice before he answered, his voice coming through the receiver muffled by the loud clanging and banging of the mechanic’s shop on his end.

“Everything okay?” he asked immediately, finding it strange that Petra would call in the middle of her shift.

Hearing his voice was like a breath of fresh air, the relief making tears well in her golden eyes. “Hello to you too. Everything’s okay, I’m okay. I just really needed to hear your voice.”

“You don’t sound okay,” he replied knowingly, hearing the tremble in her voice as clear as day. “Was it that angry kid again?”

Petra stayed quiet a moment, which only seemed to fuel her fiance’s worry.

“Did he hurt you?”

She snapped out of her silence at the question, shaking her head quick enough to give herself whiplash before she remembered he couldn’t see her. “No! No, he would never! We’re friends!” she said defensively. “And anyway, I thought we agreed that we would refer to him as Rogue and that you would stop calling him ‘that angry kid.’ It’s offensive.”

“Right, right. Sorry.” He chuckled, and the warm sound sent a flutter through Petra’s chest. “But I thought we agreed that you wouldn’t get too close to him. He’s not supposed to be your friend, Petra. He’s your patient.”

Petra sighed in defeat, kicking her foot back against the wall. “I know. I just can’t help it. There’s something about him that I can’t quite put my finger on. I feel like we have some kind of connection, you know?”

“Careful or I might start getting jealous.”

“I wouldn’t mind it if you did.”

They both laughed quietly, but a loud crash on the other end of the line cut them off from their moment together.

“Shit! What the fuck was that?” her fiance called out, holding the phone away from his mouth so he wouldn’t hurt Petra’s ear. “Shit, I’m sorry, Petra. I gotta go break a few hands. I’ll see you at home tonight. Love you.”

Petra quieted a giggle, feeling worlds better after hearing those last two words. “See you at home. I love you too, Levi.”

The call ended with a click. Petra straightened herself once more and headed to her next patient to bring them to breakfast. Her steps felt lighter as she walked past room 330, but her heart still ached for the man inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work of fiction depicts severe mental instability/disorders. There will mention, insinuation, or graphic depiction of themes such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, IED, schizophrenia, needles, forced medication, etc.. This takes place in an asylum/behavioral therapy home, so please be careful reading forward. Make sure to check the tags/notes for any more mention of additional possible triggers. Take care of yourselves. Much love <3


	3. death with dignity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sometimes the change we don't want is exactly what we need.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work of fiction depicts severe mental instability/disorders. There will mention, insinuation, or graphic depiction of themes such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, IED, schizophrenia, needles, forced medication, etc.. This takes place in an asylum/behavioral therapy home, so please be careful reading forward. Make sure to check the tags/notes for any more mention of additional possible triggers. Take care of yourselves. Much love <3

Petra was in much higher spirits after her phone call with Levi. There was more of a skip in her step, even after she had to call in Mike for help with a patient having a schizophrenic break. Her smile was bright as she walked down the corridors with Mike, back to room 330 to bring Eren to the showers, then to therapy.

“You’re more chipper than usual,” Mike stated plainly, a knowing smirk on his face. “Which is saying something, Peaches.”

Petra laughed softly at the nickname. “Oh? What makes you say so? Can you smell it?”

“You don’t usually smile this much after having to deal with one of Reiner’s episodes.” Mike stopped outside of Eren’s room door, turning to Petra with a glint in his eye.

Petra shrugged nonchalantly, knocking on Eren’s door. “I guess I’m just starting to get the hang of things around here.”

“About time.” Mike teased, earning an elbow to the ribs.

Petra opened the door to peek inside and smiled softly at Eren. “Hi, Eren. Ready to hit the shower? I’ve got you some fresh clothes and towels right out of the dryer.”

“Thank you,” Eren said distractedly, his eyes moving to watch something in motion outside. “Can I have just a minute? Mom’s visiting.”

Normally, Petra would say no and explain that they were pressed for time to make it to his session today. But after his outburst this morning, Petra nodded in approval. “Sure, Eren. You can visit her for a few more minutes, but we really should go soon. Is it alright if Mike and I have a seat on your bed?”

Eren nodded, never taking his eyes off of the hummingbird flitting around just on the other side of the glass. “I heard Reiner screaming. Is he okay?”

Petra and Mike took a seat, her smile faltering. “He’s having some trouble right now, but I’m sure he’ll be okay. We just need to be a good support system for him.”

“Must be so hard for him. Being without Bertolt has gotta be so painful.” Eren looked down at his hands in his lap, noticing that they were shaking. “I understand what that’s like.”

Mike exchanged a confused look with Petra, sure he had never seen Eren and Reiner interact before. Their schedules conflicted, they both didn’t come out of their rooms much. Sure, it was possible. But when?

“I wasn’t aware the two of you were friends,” Mike prompted, hoping to get a story out of it.

“We’re not. Not anymore.”

Mike was left puzzled while Eren looked back out the window. He set his hand against the cool glass when he noticed the hummingbird had flown away, then stood and stretched his back. “We should get going, I guess. Dr. Erwin hates it when I’m late.”

Petra took a deep breath, unsure how Eren was going to react to the new information. “Actually, you won’t be seeing Dr. Erwin anymore,” she said softly, her tone as soothing as it could possibly be. “He was promoted to supervisor, so starting today you’ll have a new therapist.”

“Oh,” Eren quipped. He wasn’t too worried about the change. Though he hated therapy, he liked Erwin. After his untimely demise in their previous life, Eren liked being able to see and talk to him again, this time as equals.

“I know it’s sudden, but you will still be able to see him,” Petra continued. “Since he’s the supervisor over the therapists now, he’ll be checking in with you to make sure you’re with the right person and that you’re continuing to progress in your treatments.”

Eren nodded in understanding, staring down at his feet. “Am I gonna go shower now, or what?”

“Oh, of course!” Petra did her best to smile again as she stood with Mike, walking from the room with Eren between them.

The walk toward the public showers was silent, the air hanging thick with awkward tension. Eren usually tended to make conversation on their walks through the halls, but now he remained quiet in deep thought. Who was this new therapist? Did Erwin choose them specifically for Eren? Was he even involved in the decision, or was this someone Grisha had chosen?

Whatever the case, change was always something Eren was able to embrace and adapt to, as long as it didn’t feel too personal. When Eren changed rooms or was prescribed a different medication, he barely bat an eye. But this felt too much like he was losing his friends again. His hands felt sweaty, his mind flooding with confusion and anxiety. Eren’s body seemed to be moving from pure instinct now, much like it had when he had fought the Titans, before he was born into this lonely life. 

If it weren’t for Mike handing him his towel and giving him his time limit, Eren wouldn’t have remembered getting to the showers, undressing, or turning on the faucet. His mind only fully came back to him once the spray of water hit his skin, icy cold and just what he needed to ground him again.

Taking a deep breath, Eren began to quickly scrub himself down, hoping to spend the least amount of time here as possible. He hated showers, hated the tedious process of cleaning himself to the standards of a man he couldn’t go home to, but it was the loneliness of this time that made it so much worse. 

There was nothing here but the pitter patter of water and his mind to keep him company. At least in his room, he had the visits from his mother to look forward to. Showers were where the voices of his past felt the need to make conversation.

Sometimes, they whispered. Sometimes they were friendly, soft memories that brought a sad smile to Eren’s lips. Other times, their tongues were acid, poison seeping into Eren’s veins until he was braced against the shower wall.

But there was one voice in particular that always asked the same thing.

_ Did you wash behind your ears? _

The hushed words had never echoed so loudly inside Eren’s head, bouncing around his skull as if to mock him. His heart throbbed against his ribs, a dull aching that couldn’t be soothed under the stream of frigid water.

“Yes, sir,” he answered every time, choking down what sanity he had left. “Always for you.”

As soon as Eren spoke, a knock came from the bathroom door, Mike’s sign that his shower was over. It’s time to get dressed. It’s time for therapy.

It’s time for yet another failed attempt to be human. 

With a sigh of relief, Eren cut the shower off and quickly dried himself. Once he was dressed in his fresh clothes, he stepped back into the hall. Water still dripped from his hair and slid down his neck and back in dewy drops, but Petra had been prepared for this.

“I brought you an extra towel,” she said with a kind smile, holding out the smaller towel to him. “I noticed you have one of the same pet peeves as my fiance. You both hate using the same towel on your hair that you use on your body.” Her giggle was airy, her smile light as Eren took the towel slowly from her hands.

“Thank you,” Eren said quietly, his mind reeling from Petra’s words.

Time stopped around him and Eren was taken back into his past life, his eyes swimming in memories that almost looked tangible. It felt like he was really there again, laid naked in Captain Levi’s bed as he looked longingly at the man stepping out of the bathroom. He had one towel wrapped loosely around his hips, and another around his neck to catch the water from his damp hair.

“Two towels?” Eren had asked teasingly.

“Yes,” Captain Levi had stated, leaving no room for argument. “I’m not drying my hair with the same towel I just used to dry my ass with. Fucking disgusting.”

Eren had laughed at Levi’s grumbling, bravely grabbing his arm and pulling him back down into the bed, Levi’s towel falling from his hips in the process. “Remind me why you felt the need to bathe again?” he had asked, green eyes alight with mischief as he crawled on top of Levi.

“You shithead. It was because I was covered in sweat and cum,” Levi rolled his eyes, but something had stirred in his stomach when Eren straddled him. “You didn’t change the sheets.”

“Nope,” Eren had winked, taking in the hint of a smile on Levi’s lips before slotting their mouths together. Later that night, Levi found himself returning to the bathroom to clean up once again.

Eren snapped back into the present when Mike nudged his shoulder to get him moving again. Before he could ask Petra anything about her fiance, she and Mike ushered him down the hall toward the medical wing. They didn’t have much of a walk from the showers until they saw Dr. Erwin standing next to a stranger with crooked glasses and shaggy brown hair pulled back into a high ponytail.

Erwin looked up when he noticed the trio approaching, smiling apologetically at Eren. “Hello, Eren. How are you feeling today?”

Eren stayed silent as he stared at the person grinning at him, blinking back waves of memories from his teary eyes. “Hanji,” he breathed, all of his guilt and shame rising up in his chest once more.

While Erwin, Petra, and Mike all stood with a look of perplexity, Dr. Hanji had a sparkle of interest in their dark brown eyes and only smiled wider.

“Hello, Eren! Dr. Erwin here has told me so much about you,” they said excitedly, clapping Erwin on the shoulder. “I’m Dr. Hanji Zoe, but you somehow already know that. Are you ready to start your introduction session?”

Eren was still too stunned to speak at first, too caught up in the emotions and thoughts swirling around inside him, raging like a vortex. It took Petra’s hand on his shoulder to bring him back to reality again.

“I--” Eren cut himself off, looking toward Dr. Erwin as if he had just noticed his presence. Erwin smiled softly and nodded, giving Eren the subtle push that he needed. “Okay.”

“Brilliant!” Hanji cheered a little too loudly, grinning that same madman kind of smile they always had. They took Petra’s notes from today gratefully and waved Eren to follow them into their new office. “I’m sorry it’s a little cluttered in here; I’m still settling in.”

A little cluttered was a gigantic understatement. The room was a mess, but Eren hadn’t expected anything else from Hanji.

“Make yourself at home! Coffee?” Dr. Hanji grinned while they fixed their own mug, looking up at Eren expectantly.

“No,” Eren said while watching some of the liquid slosh onto the desk, taking his normal seat. “I like tea.”

The way Eren spoke sparked something within Hanji, flickering in the depths of their mind like a candle threatening to go out in a breeze. As quickly as it had come, the feeling vanished.

“Sorry to say that I don’t have any with me this time, but I’ll be sure to bring some by for our future sessions!” Hanji’s cheerfulness was almost enough to make Eren smile.

Hanji flicked through the notes Petra had given them with an unbelievable quickness, sipping their coffee as they took their own notes without even looking at the page they were writing on. Their wide brimmed glasses, slightly disheveled clothes, and the way they slouched, was so familiar to Eren. When Eren spoke again, it was so sudden that he startled himself.

“Are you still clocked in at six hundred words per minute?”

Hanji spit their coffee back into their mug, turning back to Eren with wide eyes. “How in the world did you know that? Did Erwin tell you anything about me in your last session?”

Eren shrugged, dropping his eyes to his lap. “I’ve seen you like this before.”

Hanji studied Eren for a moment longer. They were an excellent read of character, breaking down Eren’s behavior and involuntary mannerisms. That’s why they had been asked to move here to study and treat Eren. If anyone could make any real progress with him, Hanji could.

At least that’s how Grisha saw it.

“Fascinating! Would you mind explaining to me what you mean?”

A pit opened in the bottom of Eren’s stomach. He had been asked so many times before to explain himself. Every time that he did, he was always shut down and told he was insane. His medication dosages would be upped and his schedule would be filled with more therapy sessions. It was all a vicious cycle that Eren felt utterly stuck in.

“This isn’t the first life that I’ve lived.” Eren lifted his gaze to meet Hanji’s. They looked genuinely intrigued, not at all how others looked at him when he explained his past.

“Go on,” Hanji prompted.

Eren took a deep breath and explained everything from the very beginning, all the while feeling like a weight was lifting off his chest. He was so used to having people stop him, explain to him that this is crazy--that  _ he’s _ crazy--but Hanji hung onto his every word. It looked to him as though they were committing every detail to memory. Maybe they even saw the murky images of those titans swimming behind their vision. Eren wasn’t sure, but he let himself believe for now that maybe Hanji saw him as more than the delusional boy so many painted him to be.

While Eren spoke, Hanji began to think that if Eren was truly insane, then so were they.

Because they believed him.

There was too much that Eren knew about the people around him for this to be some delusion caused from childhood trauma. He knew what town Hanji was originally from and that they were married, even though they weren’t wearing a ring. He used their proper pronouns immediately, something that confused everyone Hanji met, but Eren knew without it having to be brought to his attention. He even knew they were partially blind in their left eye. That was something only a handful of Hanji’s closest friends and family members knew.

A sort of melancholy weighed heavily on Eren once he finished telling his side of the story. His shoulders sagged and his head dipped, tears leaving salty trails down his cheeks. The room was quiet, the two of them trying to catch up to the emotions running through them.

As much as Hanji wanted to tell Eren they believed him, even if the story sounded completely batshit, they knew they couldn’t. They needed to stay neutral and unbiased in Eren’s case, or they would no longer be permitted to work as his therapist. Hell, they may even get themself thrown in a cell next door. For Hanji to truly work this out--and find answers of their own--they had to continue seeing Eren as their patient.

“That’s a lot for someone your age to deal with,” Hanji finally spoke up, tapping their pen against the desk. “I can’t imagine how lonely you must feel.”

The words genuinely caught Eren off guard. No one had ever approached Eren’s condition so personally. No one seemed to consider his feelings at all, only the state of his mind. 

“You have no idea,” Eren choked up, feeling a sense of relief flood over him. “I miss my sister. My friends. I miss having someone to talk to about random shit, someone who isn’t constantly evaluating me. I miss feeling… normal.”

“Then let’s fix that!” Hanji exclaimed suddenly, an idea lighting up their already bright eyes. “If you miss your friends and family, why don’t you call them? See if they’d be willing to come visit you.”

As much as the idea made Eren’s heart race with hope, he shook his head. “Because I know they won’t. Once they know who’s calling, they’ll just hang up.”

“Eren, you won’t know unless--”

“I do!” Eren snapped, then took a deep, calming breath. “I do know. I… I said and did something awful. They could never forgive me. They would never come to visit.”

Hanji didn’t flinch at Eren’s outburst, smiling softly as they stood and walked to Eren’s side. They set a gentle hand on his shoulder. “That’s not your decision to make. It’s theirs. Try. Just try.”

Eren didn’t say anything for a while, but he finally caved.

“Whatever you say, Commander.”

Hanji’s grin was beaming and wild. “Excellent! Best of luck, Eren!”

_ Really, _ Hanji thought to themself.  _ Best of luck. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work of fiction depicts severe mental instability/disorders. There will mention, insinuation, or graphic depiction of themes such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, IED, schizophrenia, needles, forced medication, etc.. This takes place in an asylum/behavioral therapy home, so please be careful reading forward. Make sure to check the tags/notes for any more mention of additional possible triggers. Take care of yourselves. Much love <3


	4. conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there can be hope with fear. and then there can be no answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work of fiction depicts severe mental instability/disorders. There will mention, insinuation, or graphic depiction of themes such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, IED, schizophrenia, needles, forced medication, etc.. This takes place in an asylum/behavioral therapy home, so please be careful reading forward. Make sure to check the tags/notes for any more mention of additional possible triggers. Take care of yourselves. Much love <3

Three days had passed since Eren’s first session with Hanji, and not a moment went by that he wasn’t mulling over what they said. The thoughts of calling his sister and best friend hammered against his skull and pulled at his heartstrings, and he was beginning to lose even more sleep than normal. Oceanic eyes that were once bright with hope and determination had become bloodshot and dull. He was barely getting out of bed, on the verge of risking anemia, and suffering from migraines and a tremor that wouldn’t go away.

If he hadn’t already lost the only people who had ever truly tried to understand him, the fear that he was about to helped to secure his silence. At least if he didn’t know they hated him, Eren could make himself believe they still loved him. Even if it was pretend, it was something to hold on to. Not knowing where they stood was just a safety net disguised as the real thing.

But safe didn’t equal better. Life here without them felt too small and empty; more like he was trapped in the solitary confinement of a prison. Damned. Eren knew he wasn’t crazy, but the hopelessness of being lonely was nearly enough to make him so.

Not only was there the fear of calling his loved ones, but Eren would have to face his father again to ask permission. That, more than anything, was enough to keep him locked away in his room.

Until Petra came by.

Eren wasn’t sure how long he had been crying; he only noticed when his door opened with a click and Petra peeked in. Her sweet smile faded when she saw the tear stains dotting the collar of his shirt, quickly stepping inside and taking a seat next to him on the bed.

“Eren,” Petra said soothingly and reached over to cover his hand with hers. “Should I call Dr. Hanji in for an emergency appointment?”

Though he wanted to speak, Eren could only manage to shake his head in response.

Petra bit her lip, hesitant, but nodded. “Alright. Everything’s going to be okay. We can work this out together. Can you take some deep breaths with me?”

Eren nodded, inhaling deeply through his nose and exhaling through his mouth. He imagined that he was blowing bubbles in order to keep his breathing under control. Though he hated to admit it, this was a genius exercise that his father had taught him when he was younger.

“Good job, Eren. Good breathing.”

“I’m scared.”

Petra blinked at him in shock. Eren had never once shared his feelings with her. She always had to make evaluations based on his mood, and sometimes that felt more like playing a guessing game than helping treat a patient. His openness was sudden, but it was something that Petra had been hoping for since she started working here.

“Will you talk to me?” She lightly squeezed his hand in reassurance. “Will you tell me what you’re afraid of?”

Eren took another calming breath. “In our session, Hanji told me that I should call my friends and ask them to come visit me.”

Petra’s heart flipped when Eren actually confided in her, but she hid her excitement. “I think that would be a great idea, Eren. I hate seeing you so lonely.”

“I hate feeling this lonely,” Eren morosed, wiping at his damp cheeks. “But what if they say no? What if they don’t answer? What if they do answer and tell me they hate me? Or that they hope I rot in here so they never have to see me again?”

“Those are just what-ifs, Eren,” Petra interrupted, her voice quiet and calming. “You’re thinking through all of the worst case scenarios, but have you given any thought to all of the wonderful things that could happen?”

Eren looked at her as if she were the crazy one, like there was absolutely no way anything good could come out from this. It broke Petra’s heart.

“Eren, you could get your friends back. You could hear their voices and see their faces again. It might take a while, but you could potentially get back to the way things used to be.”

“No,” Eren shook his head. “Things will never get back to how they were. I don’t want them to. It was all a lie.”

“What do you mean, Eren?” Petra prompted. “What was a lie?”

“Our friendship.”

Petra opened her mouth to speak, to ask what he meant, but Eren cut her off by standing up to pace around the room in frustration.

“It was all just a fucking lie, Petra. I was there when they needed me. Through all the ups and downs. They were there for me too, so I thought I could trust them. I told them about what I remembered, and you know what they did?” Eren growled as he kicked at the small bedside table, knocking it over in a sudden fit of rage. “They didn’t believe me! They were my best friends, my family, but when I told them what I remembered they didn’t mind watching me get dragged here! They didn’t try to stop anything! They just fucking watched!”

Petra’s hand moved to the walkie-talkie clipped to her belt, getting ready to call in for backup. But for some unknown reason, she couldn’t bring herself to push the button just yet.

“They hurt you, Eren. I understand that. I understand hurt,” Petra said honestly and watched in silent awe as Eren’s shoulders relaxed slightly. She moved her hand back to her lap. “But I know that they didn’t mean to hurt you, and I think, deep down, you know that too.”

For a moment, Eren stilled. He stopped pacing, stopped fuming, stopped listening to the negative thoughts in his head. This was the first time that he had been able to clear his mind and see that he wasn’t actually alone here. Because there was someone--a few people, actually--who were willing to stop what they were doing to talk with him and understand. To listen and offer advice that wasn’t just another prescription.

The next breath he took in felt fuller and fresher. A flame long gone out flickered and sparked.

“Will you help me?”

Petra was amazed. Never once was she able to calm Eren on her own. In fact, she felt more as if she made him feel worse most of the time. Eren was always telling her to leave, not asking for her help. So with this new development, she didn’t hesitate.

“Of course. Whatever you need, Eren. I’m always here to help.”

Eren hesitated, but gave in, and the next day Petra and Mike came in to escort him to the phones. It had taken a while, but Petra had finally been able to convince Grisha to let Eren make two calls. One to his sister Mikasa, the other to his childhood best friend Armin.

Eren couldn’t decide what felt heavier, the weight of anxiety on his chest, or the phone he was holding in his hand. His heaving breaths were drowned out by the blare of ringing and his heart stopped at every pause. But nothing shot more fear through him than when he heard his sister’s voice come through the line.

“Hello?”

Such a simple word shouldn’t scorch his brain like it did. It shouldn’t make tears well in his eyes or hammer against his ribs in tandem with his racing heart. It shouldn’t bring him to his knees.

But it did.

“Mikasa,” he finally stammered out against the shock. “It’s Eren.”

The call was silent for a long while. Eren almost gave up hope and hung up, but Mikasa speaking again stopped him.

“Eren,” Mikasa repeated as if she were trying to recall who he was. “It’s been--”

“Almost two years,” Eren finished. “I know. I was scared.”

“So was I.”

Another three minutes passed and Eren was losing grip on himself.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered breathlessly, knotting his fingers in his hair. “Mikasa, I am so, so sorry. I know that I can never make up for what I’ve put you through, but I’m so sorry. And I know you probably hate me and never want to see me again, but please. Just--will you come visit?”

He couldn’t see it, but his desperate and broken tone made Mikasa flinch. “I don’t know if I can, Eren.”

His hand clenched around the phone. “I need you.”

Something visceral welled in the pit of Mikasa’s stomach. “After two years you finally remembered me? Now you decide that you need me?”

“I didn’t finally remember you,” Eren snapped defensively. “I’ve thought about you and Armin every single day. I’ve been too afraid to call because I thought you would hate me. I thought if I stayed away… I don’t know. I thought that maybe I couldn’t lose you if I just kept my distance.”

“You hurt us, Eren,” Mikasa whispered after taking a deep breath.

“I know,” Eren croaked through a sob. “I know and I will never forgive myself. I’m so sorry, Mikasa. But I was hurt too. I still am.”

“That’s no excuse.”

Eren took a deep breath. Part of him wanted to scream in frustration, but he knew logically that he had no right to feel that way towards her. Not after all he’d done in this life and the last.

“You’re right. I don’t want to make any excuses. The fact is that I hurt you, and I am so, so sorry that I did. If you don’t want to hear from me again, I understand.”

A moment passed and Eren thought he heard Mikasa take a deep breath. “Let me think about it. It might take me a few days, but please be patient and let me think about it.”

Eren’s whole body went limp from relief. He leaned against the wall for support, clutching the phone tight against his ear. When he could finally regain his breath and his ability to speak, he whispered, “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me yet, Eren,” Mikasa warned softly, her voice thick with exhaustion. “There’s a lot to process here.”

“I know,” Eren conceded, but he was feeling more hopeful now. “I love you, Mikasa. I really do.”

Mikasa hesitated, letting a few tears slip from her steely eyes before finally replying, “I love you too, Eren.”

The call went silent and Eren felt as if a weight was already beginning to lift off his chest. Although he was weeping at this point, he couldn’t stop himself from smiling over the fact that he had done it. With Hanji and Petra’s help, Eren had stepped up and called his sister. He finally held some semblance of pride. He heard his sister’s voice, worked through his fear, and found the strength to do something for himself, something that he desperately needed.

_ I did it, _ he thought.  _ I finally did it. _

Before he could let himself get too excited over something that may not even happen, he dialed a second number and waited. No answer. His smile began to fade, but he tried to hold on to the last piece of hope that he had.

“Relax, Eren,” he whispered to himself. “He could be at work, or with friends, or maybe he didn’t hear his phone going off. Don’t jump to conclusions. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

Taking a deep breath, Eren tried one more time. The call tone was agonizing and his chest clenched when it went to voicemail. He hung up and tried again. Tried again. And again and again. Again.

No answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work of fiction depicts severe mental instability/disorders. There will mention, insinuation, or graphic depiction of themes such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, IED, schizophrenia, needles, forced medication, etc.. This takes place in an asylum/behavioral therapy home, so please be careful reading forward. Make sure to check the tags/notes for any more mention of additional possible triggers. Take care of yourselves. Much love <3


	5. i need a fix (bitter and sick)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> put me through hell again--i miss the fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work of fiction depicts severe mental instability/disorders. There will mention, insinuation, or graphic depiction of themes such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, IED, schizophrenia, needles, forced medication, etc.. This takes place in an asylum/behavioral therapy home, so please be careful reading forward. Make sure to check the tags/notes for any more mention of additional possible triggers. Take care of yourselves. Much love <3

“Are you sure about this?”

Mikasa sighed tiredly and rolled her tense shoulders. “No,” she admitted. “But I’m still going to do it. I have to.”

Jean stepped up behind her and wrapped his arms loosely around her waist. “Mikasa, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

The thought of ignoring Eren’s request was truly tempting. Mikasa hadn’t promised to go or called ahead to say she was coming. She was still in the clear. If she really wanted, she could stay home with her fiance and pretend Eren’s call never came. Her brother could think she hated him all he wanted and she could start moving on again.

Except that she had never truly moved on in the first place.

Mikasa closed her eyes while she counted to ten and let her head fall back against Jean’s shoulder. “I know. Thank you. But I think I need to do this,” she explained softly, opening her eyes and turning in his arms to face him. “Maybe it’ll help.”

With their eyes met now, Mikasa could see the stress all over Jean’s face. His chin was unshaven and his hair messy from running his hands through it again and again. Countless hours of lost sleep showed itself in the form of dark circles under his eyes and anxiety was evident in his chewed nails and the quick bouncing of his leg. 

He and Eren hadn’t been friends for long. In fact, Mikasa wasn’t sure they would even call each other a friend. From the moment they met, they were at war. They respected each other, but they hated each other. They claimed they could be friends, but they didn’t care about being too harsh or hurting the other’s feelings. Mikasa had broken up countless fights between the pair, but nothing compared to the last time.

Mikasa could easily recall just how furious Jean had been the last time they had seen him, right before Eren was admitted into his father’s clinic. She could still feel every ounce of pain from that day. She still cried over it, over Eren. 

But if this was a way for her to find closure, she knew Jean would respect it and support her no matter what.

“Alright,” Jean’s voice was more quiet than usual. “Keep me posted. Please.”

Mikasa couldn’t help but smile at Jean’s concern. She knew how big of a step this was for both of them, so when he asked this she couldn’t possibly deny him. “I’ll let you know when I get there and when I leave. I’ll tell you how it went, I promise. How about I pick up some pizza on the way back? My treat.”

Jean chuckled in relief and rested his forehead against hers. “Sounds good. Just don’t forget the pineapples on half. I love you, Mikasa.”

“I love you too, weirdo,” Mikasa smiled and gently pressed a kiss to Jean’s lips. When he kissed her back slowly, she knew he was just trying to draw out this moment for as long as he could. She almost complied, but he reluctantly let her go.

Living in the center of the city made for a quick ten minute walk to her destination. Fifteen and counting if you add the time she’s been sitting on the stone steps of her adoptive father’s institute twiddling her thumbs. With every second that passed, her body felt rooted to her place; tendrils of stubborn pride and fear reaching down into the core of the earth and pulling taut.

It was the unknown that frightened her most. How would Eren react when they reunited? How would  _ she  _ react when she saw him for the first time? Would he still house the same roaring flames in his eyes as before, or had medication and therapy burnt them out? Would that be a good thing if it had?

Mikasa loved his determination most. She loved his resolve to be a better person, to fight for what he believed in, to defend himself and others when he needed to. It was that passion, that unruly inferno that drew people in, but it was also what had landed him here. His inability to accept reality, to call a nightmare what it was and move on.

His best quality had ultimately turned out to be his own undoing.

Fifteen minutes turned into twenty, and twenty into thirty since she had left the apartment. Mikasa’s hands felt numb around her phone, her thumbs pressed to the smooth surface of the touchscreen in preparation to tell Jean that she had changed her mind and was coming home early.

She was so lost in thought that she hadn’t heard the door to the clinic open behind her. Or the voice that had been calling out her name until someone tapped on her shoulder.

“Mikasa, hey!”

Mikasa jumped in her place and looked up at who had been trying to get her attention, her stormy eyes blown wide in shock. “Armin? What are you doing here?”

He looked so different from the last time she had seen him. His usually bright blue eyes were dull from exhaustion, his smile more drained. His long blond hair that she had been nagging him about for years was finally cut short, making him look more mature now. It took Mikasa a moment to realize Armin was wearing scrubs and a name badge, making it perfectly obvious why he was here.

“I got transferred to Dr. Jaeger’s office last month,” Armin confessed with a sheepish smile. “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to bring up… Well, you know. I’m sorry.”

Mikasa stared at her best friend for a moment, then nodded in understanding. “There’s nothing for you to apologize for. I probably would have done the same thing. Have you seen him?”

Armin didn’t have to hear his name to know she was talking about Eren. His face fell into a frown, his expression hard with resentment. “No. And I don’t want to. Dr. Jaeger understood that, so he’s kept us away from each other. As far as I know, Eren has no idea that I’m even here.”

Mikasa’s heart dropped, though she wasn’t exactly sure why. A part of her had hoped that maybe Armin and Eren had rekindled their old friendship. Maybe they were working things out and that meant that Mikasa could too. But that hope was snuffed out under the heat of Armin’s gaze.

“I’m sorry for asking,” she whispered with eyes downcast.

“It’s alright. I’m sorry I kinda snapped.” Armin sighed and looked Mikasa over. “If you don’t mind me asking, why are you here?”

Mikasa’s hands tightened around the straps of her purse as she looked back up into Armin’s tired eyes. He already knew why she was here before the words even left her mouth. “Eren contacted me and asked me to visit.”

The air grew thicker between the two than it already felt and Armin’s expression turned dark. “Oh.”

“Armin,” Mikasa paused to inhale, but it didn’t seem like the air wanted to soothe her tight lungs. “I miss him. As much as I want to hate him, I can’t. I’m not trying to excuse his actions from before but--”

“He shoved you down onto a broken vase during one of his tantrums.” The words were ice cold on Armin’s lips. “It may be unintentional, but excusing his actions is exactly what you’re doing by coming here.”

Mikasa felt her own anger boiling up in the pit of her stomach. “I’m only giving him a chance to prove that he’s changed. If I see that he hasn’t, I’m out of here and I won’t be coming back. But if there’s even the smallest chance that I could get my brother back, I’ll take it.”

Armin watched Mikasa’s face for a long time, silent as his eyes searched hers before he turned away to continue down the steps. “I hope you know what you’re getting yourself into.”

Mikasa froze as every doubt and aching anxiety returned ten-fold. She had no idea what she was getting herself into. Her head swam with nervous thoughts that begged only one question.

Should she even be here?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work of fiction depicts severe mental instability/disorders. There will mention, insinuation, or graphic depiction of themes such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, IED, schizophrenia, needles, forced medication, etc.. This takes place in an asylum/behavioral therapy home, so please be careful reading forward. Make sure to check the tags/notes for any more mention of additional possible triggers. Take care of yourselves. Much love <3


	6. heart of glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> once had love and it was devine, i soon found out i was losing my mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work of fiction depicts severe mental instability/disorders. There will mention, insinuation, or graphic depiction of themes such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, IED, schizophrenia, needles, forced medication, implied sexual content, etc.. This takes place in an asylum/behavioral therapy home, so please be careful reading forward. Make sure to check the tags/notes for any more mention of additional possible triggers. Take care of yourselves. Much love <3
> 
> Also, a huge THANK YOU to my Beta, Zam!! Thank you so much for supporting me and my fic! I'm so honored for your continued help! I definitely couldn't do this without you! Love you!! <3

Eren’s hands were hot and clammy from how long he rubbed them together. His stomach churned nervously as he watched the second hand of the clock tick by. Thirty minutes were all that remained of visiting hours, but somehow Eren felt the buzz of hope in his bones. Today was going to be the day. He just knew it.

Hanji had stopped by the visitor’s lobby to check in on how everything was going, wishing Eren luck again and encouraging him to not give up hope even if no one came today. Eren had nodded, trying not to get infected by Hanji’s overwhelming positivity, and turned back to stare at the clock.

Petra and Mike were there, watching Eren from a distance. They had never seen Eren so expressive before today--at least not in a positive context. He almost always looked apathetic, and when he didn’t it was because he was having a meltdown. Petra was happy to see him so hopeful, almost excited, but she was afraid of what would happen if today didn’t go well.

Fifteen minutes remained. There were only a few people left in the visitor’s lobby. Two tables away, Eren recognized Reiner talking in hushed tones to his mother. Reiner never spoke in anything other than a whisper, always paranoid of someone--Eren didn’t know who--overhearing. He wished he could go over to him, but someone always got in the way. Someone was always there to keep them from talking to each other.

Lost in thought, Eren didn’t hear the visitor’s door open. He hadn’t even realized that someone had walked over until he saw their shadow pass over. He turned his head and his eyes blew wide. He stood to his feet in shock, but couldn’t bring himself to say anything even though he wanted to say  _ everything. _

“Hey, Eren,” Mikasa said in a quiet voice.

She looked so different. Her inky-black hair was cropped short, framing the features of her beautiful face perfectly. She looked more slender than he remembered. Her eyes were still the same though, a sad silver that almost faded to black around the edges. Pained.

“Mikasa,” Eren breathed in disbelief. Even though he had felt in his gut that Mikasa would be here, seeing her still shocked him speechless. Mikasa looked just as shellshocked. She had come here specifically to see Eren, but  _ actually _ seeing him after all this time was something she couldn’t have prepared for.

Eren hardly resembled the boy he once was. He looked messy and fragile, more like a hollowed out shell. His hair had always been unruly, but now it hung down in his face to hide his sunken cheeks and eyes. However drastic and concerning the change in his appearance was, it was his eyes that unsettled her the most.

There was no longer the shine of hopeful optimism and boyish mischief. Eyes that had once been bright like an oceanic sunrise seemed to be drained of its vibrancy and vitality. They looked more like the eyes of a corpse.

“It’s been so long,” she whispered more to herself than to Eren. She wanted to walk around the table and give him a hug, but at the same time she wanted to turn around and leave. “Can I sit?”

Eren shook himself out of his amazement and nodded, sitting back down in his own chair. “You--I--.” Eren couldn’t seem to form any kind of coherent sentence. There was so much to say, he couldn’t possibly get it all out in ten minutes. He gripped his hair in his hands and just barely pulled, trying to use the slight pain as a distraction from his racing thoughts. Tears of frustration fell down his cheeks as he tried to take deep breaths.

“Eren,” Mikasa said gently, reaching across the table to set her hands over his. She didn’t know why, maybe it was out of instinct to protect her brother from hurting himself, but her body moved on its own. “Take your time.”

His eyes met Mikasa’s again. Suddenly he saw her as she used to be, wearing her old Scouts uniform. Her raven hair fell to her shoulders and her scarf hung proudly around her neck. But her eyes.

Her eyes were always the same.

_ Eren… Please... Come home... _

Eren relaxed under her touch. Mikasa was still holding on so tight like she would never let go. If she didn’t, Eren wouldn’t mind at all.

“I’m sorry,” he sniffled, vision focusing on reality again. “Mikasa, I am so, so sorry.”

Petra and Mike had started stepping forward the moment Eren grabbed his hair. But when they saw Mikasa had already calmed Eren down, they settled back into their place.

Mikasa took a deep breath and pulled her hands back to her lap, spinning her engagement ring nervously on her finger. “I’m not going to say that it’s okay because it’s not. You already know that.”

Eren nodded, not daring to be disappointed. He had expected that much after all. He couldn’t just assume that reuniting with Mikasa would be enough to gain her trust and forgiveness. He had to earn it all over again. But even if he couldn’t, he was still determined to try.

“I know,” he said, wiping at his cheeks. “I know. I just want to say it again, face to face, that I’m really sorry.”

Mikasa watched him carefully, feeling all sorts of emotions at once. She was angry with him for not contacting her until now. She had agonized over what happened between them for two years, assuming that he was too far gone to even care. She had dealt with so much anxiety, fell into a depressive state for months. And just when she felt like she was starting to move on, Eren called out of the blue and wanted her to visit.

It was infuriating. It was painful.

But now, seeing Eren in the flesh, she realized just how far from moving on she was.

“Thank you, Eren. For apologizing.”

“I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness,” Eren continued. “I don’t expect you to forgive me. But… If there’s anything I can do to atone in any way, I’ll do it. I mean it, Mika. Anything.”

Hearing Eren use his old nickname for her sent a tremor through her chest. “I… I’m not sure, Eren. This is so much to process.”

Eren’s heart fell at the distance that two years had put between them. “Okay.”

The space between them was quiet for a while. When Eren looked back up at the clock, visiting hours were over. But neither Petra nor Mike had come to take Eren back yet. Maybe his father had told them not to disturb them as long as everything was going well. Or maybe they were taking that decision upon themselves.

Eren could tell that Mikasa was exhausted. She must have been losing sleep over this decision. It made Eren’s head pound with guilt, knowing he had been the cause of even more stress and hurt for her in this life. 

Guilt had always been Eren’s cruelest companion. It followed him under the shadow of his mother being devoured and bathed him in the grieving tears of his father. It sculpted itself into his bones and seeped through the cracks that formed under the weight of fallen comrades. Guilt was illuminated by candlelight and spelled out in the pages of an old book about a mysterious outside world, spoken in hushed whispers late into the night when no one but his dearest friends were around. But it flourished most in his thoughts of a Captain he left behind.

“Eren,” Mikasa said suddenly, reaching across the table to set her hand over his. “Are you okay?”

Eren blinked. He didn’t realize he had fallen back into his thoughts. “Yeah, I’m okay. But I should be the one asking you that. I’ve put you through so much.”

Mikasa retracted her hand, sighing tiredly. “You have. Not only me, but a lot of people.”

“I know.”

“But that doesn’t mean I didn’t miss you.”

Eren’s breath hitched in his throat. He could feel tears welling in his eyes again, hands trembling. “You… You don’t hate me?”

“Of course not,” Mikasa smiled sadly, her own tears making her dark eyes shine. “After everything you said that day, I thought you hated me. I didn’t think you wanted anything to do with me.”

The memory resurfaced in Eren’s mind instantly.

Grisha had made an off-hand comment about Eren’s reluctance to let go of his delusions, which set Eren off into a violent fit of rage. His vision went dark and his body felt like it was moving on its own. In the back of his mind, Eren knew he had lost control, but there was no way of gaining it back. 

Through all of the struggle, there was a strange sound like broken glass crunching under shoes. When Eren looked down, he saw a smashed picture and picked it up, his blood smearing his mother’s smiling face only making him spiral further.

Mikasa had no way of expecting what awaited her inside. She was just pulling back up to the house with Jean, not a worry in her world. Their date couldn’t have gone any better and neither of them wanted the night to end quite yet. So when Mikasa invited Jean inside for a movie, of course he said yes.

It wasn’t until they were at the front door that they heard a loud crash.

Before Jean could stop her, Mikasa flung the door open and gasped in horror. Eren knocked over a side table, shattering one of their mother’s vases and a picture of her across the floor. Blood was dripping down his arm, but Mikasa couldn’t tell how badly he was hurt from here. His chest was heaving with every labored breath, eyes wide and wild with fury as he held Grisha by the collar of his shirt.

“I fucking hate you!” Eren yelled in Grisha’s face. “I hate all of you! Why don’t any of you believe me?!”

Mikasa rushed over and set her hands on Eren’s shoulders, terrified she was about to witness a murder. “Eren, stop!”

But something snapped in Eren when she touched him. In a blur of movement, Eren spun around with his arm flailing out in front of him. Mikasa had no time to react, stunned when his arm connected with her chest. She was knocked off balance, falling into the broken glass at their feet. In just as much blinding speed, Jean was on him, pushing him off of Grisha and against the wall.

“Eren, calm the fuck down!”

Mikasa sat up and shook the glass from her hands, a deep gash on her cheek spilling blood down her face. “Eren…”

The sound of Mikasa saying his name is what brought Eren back to his senses. His breath hitched in his throat when he saw the cut that would surely scar. He couldn’t believe that he had caused all of this destruction. “Mikasa, I--” But when he tried to move toward her, Jean’s fist slammed into his nose. Eren’s legs buckled as he slid down the wall, staring at Mikasa in shock.

“You stay the fuck away from her,” Jean growled. “You see what you did, asshole?! Take a good fucking look! This is all your fucking fault!”

“Jean,” Mikasa whispered breathlessly, still stunned enough to ignore the sting in her skin. “Please. He… He didn’t mean to. Right, Eren?”

Eren was silent for a long time. His gaze dropped to stare at his hands in his lap, voice drained of any and all emotion when he finally spoke again. “Jean’s right. I should stay away from you. All of you.”

Mikasa was grateful for Jean helping her get back to her feet, dusting the glass from her clothes as best they could. He made sure to keep an eye on Eren while she approached him again, sticking close to Mikasa’s side in case the situation grew dangerous.

“Don’t say that, Eren,” Mikasa pleaded. “I know you didn’t mean to hurt anyone. We just need to get you some help.”

Eren shook his head. “You’re exactly the same as before, you know that?”

Mikasa felt her body tense. She had never seen Eren act so cold before. Her skin crawled when his gaze found her’s again, feeling that the brother she loved was dead and gone for good.

“No matter how badly I hurt you, you always stick around. It’s pathetic,” Eren droned boredly. “You’re still nothing but a slave.”

That was the moment Mikasa finally realized she couldn’t keep making excuses for him. Whether he meant to or not, Eren had abusive tendencies that he needed to get help for. So when she woke up the next morning and Grisha informed her that he had brought Eren to his clinic, she felt more relief than anything.

Looking back at the situation now, Eren could see that he was the pathetic one. He never thought that Mikasa was a slave, not in this life or the last. He said it because he knew it would hurt. He needed to hurt his loved ones in order to protect them from himself. At least, that’s what he thought.

It was Eren’s turn to reach for Mikasa’s hand. Taking a deep breath, he met her gaze and set his jaw in determination. For a moment, Mikasa could see the light behind his eyes. A part of Eren’s old self had surfaced again, more than ready to do everything in his power to make things right.

“I’m sorry, Mikasa,” he said softly, squeezing her hand. “I was wrong. I was so wrong. You’re not pathetic. You’re not a slave, you never were. It’s me. It’s always been me. I could never hate you. Not then, not now. I don’t want to be without you anymore, Mika. I...”

Eren didn’t realize he had started crying until Mikasa came around to his side of the table and wiped at his cheeks. Her own tears flowed like silent waterfalls, two years of pain etched deep into her expression. In another moment, they wrapped each other in their arms, crying softly into the warm embrace.

“Eren,” Mikasa whispered, voice trembling. “I’ve missed you so much.”

“I missed you too, Mika. So so much.”

Eren could’ve stayed like that forever, but he knew it was only a matter of time before Petra and Mike would have to separate them. He hated the thought of going back to his room, of spending another night alone. There was still so much he wanted to talk about. Even though tonight had gone better than he hoped, Eren was scared that he wouldn’t be able to see his sister again. The thought made him hold on tighter.

“If you keep squeezing me like this I’m gonna pass out,” Mikasa teased with a breathy chuckle.

Eren took a deep, grounding breath, trying to not let his anxiety get the best of him, and slowly released her again. “Sorry. It’s just been a really long time since I’ve gotten a hug. From anyone.”

The thought broke Mikasa’s heart, but she didn’t want to dwell on things she couldn’t change. Just when she opened her mouth to say something, her phone beeped with a new notification. She pulled it out to give it a glance and smiled a little.

**Jeanbo: Hey bby. Dont worry abt makin the xtra stop. Pizzas on its way. Everythin ok?**

“Who’s that?” Eren asked. But one look at the screen answered his own question. “Horseface. You two are still together? Is he treating you good?”

Mikasa laughed a little and playfully punched Eren’s arm. “Yes.  _ Jean _ treats me like a queen. I’d say we’ve gotten pretty serious.”

Mikasa moved her hand in front of Eren’s face, wiggling her fingers to show off her ring. Eren took her hand in his with wide eyes. At first, Mikasa was scared that she’d made a mistake from how quiet he was being. But then his lips spread into a wide smile, and he hugged her tight to his chest again.

“Congrats, Mika. I hope he makes you happier than you ever thought you’d be.”

Her cheeks heated up while she hugged him back. “Thank you, Eren. I wish I could stay longer, but I do have to make it back to him. He gets so fussy when he’s worried.”

They pulled apart again and stood. Mikasa wiped the remaining tears off of Eren’s cheeks and ruffled his hair.

“Will you come back?” Eren asked nervously. “There’s so much I want to talk to you about. I want to hear what I’ve been missing for the past two years.”

Mikasa thought for a moment. Things had gone so well, better than she both expected and hoped for. But she was almost scared to return. She was worried if she did come back, things would just devolve. She would do or say something that would make Eren spiral out of control again, and that would really be the end of it. But despite this fear, Mikasa wanted her brother back enough to take the risk and fight for him.

“Yeah,” she finally answered. “Yeah, of course. How about next week? Same day, same time?”

Eren nodded enthusiastically, eyes shining with that old light again. “That sounds perfect. Thank you for giving me a chance, Mika. See you then.”

Mikasa nodded and squeezed his hand, heading back toward the door. Before she left, she turned around one last time and smiled. “See you next week. Please take care of yourself, Eren.”

Once she was gone, Eren didn’t know what else to do but cry. His body was flooded with so much relief that it brought him to his knees. He barely felt Petra’s hands on his back, rubbing gently as she whispered about how well he had done. Mike helped her get Eren back to his room, and Eren watched their eyes grow wide with shock when he asked them if he could have dinner.

Mikasa wanted Eren to take care of himself, so that’s what he was going to try to do. 

***

“Captain.”

Levi glanced up from his paperwork toward his office door. Eren smiled softly as he carried in two steaming cups of tea. His skin seemed to be glowing deep gold in the candlelight, sea green eyes shining with something like desire.

“You look like you just took a really nice shit, Eren,” Levi said knowingly, tapping the tip of his pen against the desk. “Why on earth would you be bringing me tea at this hour? You must want something.”

Eren’s smile only grew. “Why do you always think I have an ulterior motive? Maybe I’m just bringing tea to my lover for no reason at all.”

Levi rolled his eyes, but took the tea gratefully. “Because you almost always have an ulterior motive.”

Eren walked around the desk to sit himself on Levi’s lap. His hair had grown out to brush against his jaw. It was the perfect length for Levi to run his fingers through and tuck behind his ear. Eren leaned into the touch, eyes searching Levi’s.

“What?”

“Your hair’s getting long,” Levi commented. “Want me to cut it?”

Eren shook his head. “No, I kinda like it.”

Levi hummed noncommittally and sipped at his tea while he finished up his paperwork. Eren waited patiently on his lap, staying quiet while he watched the stars twinkling outside. He was so distracted that he hardly felt Levi set down his pen and wrap his arms around Eren’s waist.

“Nightmare?”

Eren’s face fell. He was always too easy to read. “Yeah.”

“You can sleep here. I don’t mind.”

Eren looked back at Levi, meeting his eyes for a moment before he leaned forward to slot their mouths together. They stayed at Levi’s desk like that until tongues and hands began to wander. Eren moaned into Levi’s mouth and Levi didn’t hesitate to pick him up and bring him into the adjoined bedroom. He laid Eren on his back, stripped them of their clothes, and leaned down to press hot kisses all over Eren’s body.

“Levi,” Eren whimpered. Levi was touching him as if he could rid Eren’s mind of any bad dream or haunting memory. He tangled his fingers in Levi’s hair and tugged him back up for an open-mouthed kiss.

Levi tensed when he felt Eren pushing him down against the mattress, but gladly gave up control and relaxed again. He took both their cocks in his hand and started stroking. The pleasure rushing through him made his back arch and eyes squeeze shut.

“Levi,” Eren repeated, sounding more desperate now. “Look at me.”

When he opened his eyes again, the scene around him shifted.

Levi’s body was slick with sweat and blood. The world around him was burning, crumbling under the feet of millions of skinless giants. His throat stung from the smoke and ash he was breathing in, his muscles stiff with pain. Levi could feel the strength fading from his body, but he was determined to keep fighting until his heart no longer beat.

Looking at what lay on the horizon, Levi saw no resemblance to Eren. He was no longer the beautiful monster Levi always saw him to be. He was just a monster now, hell bent on bringing the world to its knees.

“There was a whole lot I wanted to tell that idiot,” Levi said without thinking. “Damnit…”

He could hardly hear Connie yelling over the deafening roar of Titans, his mind lost to the grief he couldn’t fight against anymore. From somewhere to his left, Jean was brave enough to say what they all knew would have to happen.

“Mikasa, we need to kill Eren.”

Levi gasped and sat up in bed. He was sweaty and panting and reeling. His heart was pounding a hundred miles an hour and tears were making hot tracks down his cheeks. In bed next to him, Petra began to stir.

“Levi,” she yawned, sitting up next to him and rubbing the sleep from her eyes. “What’s wrong?”

“I have no fucking clue,” he breathed. Levi wiped at his cheeks before Petra could take notice. “Just a weird ass dream. It’s nothing. Sorry I woke you.”

He could tell Petra was eyeing him up without even looking at her. She was so perceptive, always had been, so Levi wasn’t surprised that she was reluctant to brush this off.

Petra moved her hands to Levi’s cheeks, brushing her thumb against his damp skin. “You’re crying.”

Levi inhaled deep and ran his hand through his hair, removing her hands from his face to hold them between his. Wherever Petra touched, Levi could feel the ghost of someone else’s hands. Even if it was just a dream, it still sent a pang of guilt through his chest.

“Was it about your uncle?”

Levi snorted. “Hell no.”

Petra’s heart fell as she asked in an even softer tone, “Was it your mom?”

“Petra,” Levi started to snap, then took another deep breath and fixed his tone. “I appreciate that you care, baby. But I really don’t want to talk about it. I’m just gonna go make some tea. Just go back to sleep, okay?”

It was quiet for a moment before Petra finally nodded. “Okay. I’m sorry I pushed you.”

“Don’t apologize. I’m sorry I snapped.” Levi brought Petra’s hands to his lips and left lingering kisses on her fingers before he stood from the bed.

Levi’s lips tingled from the memory of how he kissed Eren like this in the dream. When he pulled away, he half expected to see Eren instead of Petra in his bed. But he pushed the thought out of his head--or tried to--as he made his way to the kitchen to turn on the kettle.

As disgusting and terrifying as the Titans were, Levi couldn’t stop thinking about the beautiful boy who brought him tea. He was sure he didn’t know him, but he was so familiar. Levi could recall every detail of his body, every sound he made while he writhed beneath him. It almost felt like it hadn’t been a dream at all.

It was more like a memory.

Levi shook his head, knowing it was impossible. He probably just inhaled too many fumes at work, or maybe it was the wine he had at dinner. Whatever the case, it was just his imagination or subconscious or whatever the hell. It wasn’t real. 

It couldn’t be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work of fiction depicts severe mental instability/disorders. There will mention, insinuation, or graphic depiction of themes such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, IED, schizophrenia, needles, forced medication, implied sexual content, etc.. This takes place in an asylum/behavioral therapy home, so please be careful reading forward. Make sure to check the tags/notes for any more mention of additional possible triggers. Take care of yourselves. Much love <3
> 
> Also, a huge THANK YOU to my Beta, Zam!! Thank you so much for supporting me and my fic! I'm so honored for your continued help! I definitely couldn't do this without you! Love you!! <3

**Author's Note:**

> This work of fiction depicts severe mental instability/disorders. There will mention, insinuation, or graphic depiction of themes such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, IED, schizophrenia, needles, forced medication, etc.. This takes place in an asylum/behavioral therapy home, so please be careful reading forward. Make sure to check the tags/notes for any more mention of additional possible triggers. Take care of yourselves. Much love <3


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